WHAT IF I WROTE AN ENTIRE POST THIS WAY? WOULD YOU MURDER ME? I CAN’T HELP IT I AM JUST SO EXCITED. WELL, THAT, OR JUST TYPING LIKE MY DAD. Anyway. I’ll stop now.
My love for the Olympics is completely and totally unparalleled. It is hard to say what ignited this particular passion. Most likely it was my 4th grade facination with Tara Lipinski. I took ice skating lessons. (And, let’s be honest, I barely cleared two inches on my “jumps.”) I bought her official autobiography at a book fair, and essentially memorized her life, convinced that I too could become a gold medal Olympian. FAST FORWARD. I couldn’t. I stopped taking lessons like 2 months in after my one and only competition which included me wearing an American Girl ice skating outfit (in a human size) and falling only 4 times. I knew to stop while I was, essentially, ahead.
So, while my own Olympic dreams were thwarted at an early age, that does not stop me from losing my shit every two years when the games come around. I find myself becoming strangely patriotic. I scream things like, “HOW COULD YOU LITHUANIA?!” at my television set. I sob uncontrollably at things like synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics. I find myself completely and totally incapable of having a conversation that does not involve the phrase, “Are you aware that Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day?”
Tonight I will be watching the Opening Ceremonies at a party thrown exclusively for the occasion by my good friend Jess. She will be in a American flag bikini; I will be dressed as one of my favorite Olympians of all time, Bruce Jenner. It’s hard to say what other guests will be wearing. I will most likely be crying at the end of the party, singing the national anthem, and instigating some sort of chant.
I would now like to spend a few moments looking at past Opening Ceremonies outfits. Ralph Lauren is making them again this year. I hope we look respectable. And by that, I mean, I really hope we aren’t wearing cowboy hats with pleated pants again. This was a phase that lasted for far too many years.
From the Sydney Games in 2000
From the Barcelona games in 1992
Then again, that was at least better than the previous look we went for which were track suits. 
From the Calgary games in 1988
From the Los Angeles games in 1984
And, let’s be real, anything, I mean, anything is better than what Japan wore in Sydney in 2000 because they wore this. 
Yes. They wore rainbow caps and were apparently instructed to stick their arm out to display them for the duration of the Opening Ceremony.
I hope, honestly, that you spend your entire weekend watching the Olympics. I hope that you do not move from your couch, and god damn it, I hope you are crying and screaming, “AMERICA!” at least once an hour, because while our strongest are out representing our country and making us proud, I am, without a doubt, stuffing my face and cheering them on from the comfort of my own home, and holy shit, I cannot wait.